Rekindling a Loving Relationship
Is the love lost or just misplaced?

By Stephen J. Johnson, Ph.D.

Many people seem to struggle now more than ever with their intimate relationships.  As with many couples, there is the initial high of falling in love.  Over time, some of them somehow deepen their love and the relationship flourishes.  Many other couples gradually lose their love and enthusiasm for one another.  Everyone wants to stay in love, but why do some relationships make it, while others don’t?  Why does the love in some relationships flourish, while getting buried in others?  What are the secrets of a healthy and fulfilling relationship?

The real things that people are looking for today is a lasting relationship full of joy, passion and great sex.  People want to stay at home and come back to the home.  There’s been so much chaos and destruction stemming from estrangement, separation and divorce. 

One out of two marriages these days end in divorce.  Some of the statistics that have come to our attention lately as a result of census data from around the world shows a huge peak in the divorce rate after just 6.8 years of marriage.  Infidelity is the leading cause of divorce and the next most common cause is psychological abuse and physical violence, which frequently has to do with infidelity.  The lying and cheating, in other words, the deception and betrayal are very destructive to an intimate relationship.  It has been reported that over 75% of men and approximately 35% of women have been unfaithful at some time during a monogamous marriage.

A segment of the 20/20 TV show targeted how divorce affects children. It was indicated that the longitudinal studies on divorce reveal that children are affected far more drastically than was formerly believed.   It may be said that there is only one thing worse than divorce and that’s a bad marriage, however, I want to focus here on how to rekindle a relationship so that it becomes a good one again and divorce may be averted.

In the relationships that survive, each individual is willing to make the relationship a priority, giving it time, energy and nurturing.  The partners constantly re-choose each other.  What I see often happening, on the other hand, in long term relationships of seven or more years, and especially where there are children involved, is that they are frequently tired and on the verge of burn out. 

Since I work a lot with men, I will speak for a moment about what I experience from many men who are in long-term relationships.  For the most part I hear them expressing concern for the loss of passion and fun.  They tend to feel that they are working too much and too hard to support the family and missing the joy, play and passionate sex that they once had with their mates.  Many who are in mid-life complain that their partners are not as young, energetic or attractive as they used to be.  Many men become confused and disenchanted when they experience that their maiden has become a matron.  Often they shut down and/or act out.  This is a fact of life and issues of aging must be addressed and dealt with responsibly or there will be problems that can lead to the destruction of a potentially viable relationship.

Men want to be appreciated and admired by their partners.  Women want to be nurtured and desired by their partners.  Essentially women want to be cherished and men want to be honored.  Men fear and resent it when their partners lose the sweetness and become brittle, bitter and “bitchy”. Women fear and resent it when their partners become disenchanted, disengaged and passive or controlling and domineering.

For women to remain attractive to their partners and to put out that attractive energy so that a man stays turned on, she needs to feel cherished and special.  If she gets any messages that she’s not the number one person in his life, then she will start to close up that part of her, and then after a while he’ll stop being attracted to her.

For men to remain attractive to their partners and to put out that attractive energy so that a woman stays turned on, he needs to feel honored.  A man’s sense of self is to a large degree determined by his feeling productive, useful and appreciated.  It’s very confusing to men when they don’t know what to do to fix what’s not working. 

What happens to a lot of couples is that the man stops being turned on to his partner.  It’s often a slow process but before too long the man starts turning his attention outward.  A woman needs to feel special in order to stay vulnerable.  Both partners need to remain vulnerable so that they can be intimate with one another; otherwise their communication process breaks down.

Many marriages end in divorce because one or both partners can no longer communicate with the other.  There is so much information in the form of feelings and thoughts that has been withheld from each other that the very life breath of the relationship gets snuffed out.  When one leaves a marriage it is usually to find someone new with whom to communicate.  The common belief is that someone new will be more able or willing to listen, more willing to understand, more passionate, alive and sexy.

Good healthy communication can be very invigorating leading to passion, vitality, and dynamic sex within a monogamous relationship.  In fact, long-term monogamy is very doable if you have good communication skills.  Without them, the woman ends up feeling ignored and unheard, the man feels unappreciated and unacknowledged for what he does in the relationship, and so neither partner feels loved.  When you are not feeling loved, then you are not feeling turned on to your partner.  Good communication creates arousal, passion and intimacy.  Remember the importance of continuing to court each other throughout the full length of the relationship.  Don’t take each other for granted, but rather recall how it felt when you were first discovering each other and were falling deeply and madly in love.  It is possible to fall in love all over again!

The partners in a prospering relationship are willing to look inside themselves, rather than only to their partner, for their growth and learning.  They are willing to see their partner as a mirror reflecting back to them qualities that are within them, qualities they need to continually reclaim as their own.  This mirroring reveals what the other reflects but also lies within oneself as well.  It is not uncommon to see clearly in another what one dimly glimpse to be true about one’s self.  When their outer senses tell them it’s the other person’s fault in a difficult situation, they are willing to search deeper for their own issues that have contributed to this situation.  Likewise, when their senses reveal to them the beauty, strength and goodness of their partner, they are willing to search deeper for these same qualities in themselves.

Joyce and Barry Vissell, a couple since 1964, founders and directors of the Shared Heart Foundation published a book titled, Light in the Mirror: A New Way to Understand Relationships (Ramira Publishing).  In the book they state, “The discovery that your lover is a soul mirror, reflecting back to you everything you are needing to learn about yourself in any given moment, will make the difference between a good relationship and a great relationship.  This is seeing the mirror.  There is another step in the process.  It is seeing the light in the mirror.  It is enjoying, rather than merely accepting or tolerating, the mirroring.  It is viewing the process of mirroring with awe and reverence.  Accepting the soul mirror in your beloved will make for a great relationship.  Loving and celebrating the soul mirror will create a sacred relationship, where there is no limit to the love that can be experienced.”

Let’s try an exercise to open up the communication process.  Sit facing your partner. You will take turns mirroring each other.  The objective, in this particular exercise, is to reflect back to your partner something affirming that you have withheld from him/her.  One of you will communicate first while the other will sit listening with an open heart, then you will switch.  Take a couple of deep breaths and lovingly communicate to your partner, “Something that I have been withholding from you is ... “ After you have completed the thought, take another relaxing breath then communicate, “I have been withholding this from you because...” Again, after you have completed this thought take a breath and follow up with, “By my withholding it, it has caused me to...” Take another breath, then  complete the communication with “What I would like to come from my clearing this withhold is...”   The respondent acknowledges that he/she has heard the communication and thanks the partner for sharing openly and lovingly.

For example, if you are a woman communicating to a man, the communication might go like this... “Something that I have been withholding from you is that I really appreciate the way you father our kids.  You are so loving and patient with them and I can see how much they admire and look up to you.”  And, “I have been withholding this because I have been feeling less sure of my own parenting skills lately.  I have been impatient and short tempered with the kids and have not been feeling very confident or good about myself.”  And, “By my withholding this it has caused me to feel less than and unequal to you.  Perhaps, my feelings of inadequacy have further translated into feelings of resentment directed toward you as well as the children.” Finally, “ I want you to know that I would like your support in my moving back into a more nurturing and patient place with the kids.  I feel that you have been modeling a way of being that I want and need to reconnect with.”  The respondent acknowledges, “I really heard what you said and want you to know how grateful I am to you for being openly truthful with me about this and will do whatever I can to support you. Thank you and you can count on me.”

Here’s an example of a clearing communication by a man to a woman... “Something that I have been withholding from you is that I really do appreciate it when you reach out to me in an affectionate and nurturing gesture.”  And, “I have been withholding this because I know that I have not been very receptive lately. I have been feeling particularly vulnerable and exposed.  ”  And, “By my withholding this it has caused me to feel distant from you and annoyed with you as a way of justifying the distance I’ve created.  I know that I have been pushing you away.”  Finally, “I want you to know that I respect and am in awe of your ability to be so vulnerable and nurturing.  I do wish to be more vulnerable and close to you and request that you continue to extend to me as I allow for more closeness between us.”  The respondent replies, “I took in what you said and want you to know that I appreciate and admire your candor.  I know that at times it’s difficult for you to be open, however, I truly know that you desire more closeness and have previously experienced your willingness and ability for connection.  I am delighted to support you in creating more closeness between us." 

Practice this exercise frequently and I’m confident that you will experience more personal aliveness, passion and love with your partner.  It’s never too late to rekindle the love between you.  It’s probably not lost but merely misplaced waiting to be found again.  Avoid blame and criticism and never miss an opportunity to affirm yourself and your partner.  Warning:  positive or soul mirroring can be hazardous to your misery.

Dr. Stephen Johnson, a licensed marriage and family counselor, author and educator has been in private practice for over 30 years.  He is also the director of the Men’s Center of Los Angeles.  He specializes in working with men as well as helping men and women to improve their communication skills and move through gender specific issues in order to have more productive and satisfying relationships.  With offices in Woodland Hills and Beverly Hills, he may be reached at (818) 348-8948 or (310) 276-9598.